That's a line from the final monologue in the film Jerry Macguire. "This used to be my specialty. I was good in a living room." Jerry is trying to explain how he feels so completely off balance because what he used to feel so confident in, is now strangely so difficult for him.
That's how I feel now. I recently emailed a friend a two-liner about my inner fears that the chemo is not working. I have no visual evidence that it is, we've never found a lump, and my cancer breast does not appear to be getting any smaller. After post-lactation deflation, the cancer breast remains a frightening 1/4 larger than my non-cancer breast. I check faithfully every morning. So I told a friend about my fear.
In response she reprimanded me for putting my faith in the wrong place. She said that chemo and all its suffering is just something I had to go through to grow and become whatever He has planned for me. But chemo will not cure my cancer, she said. Jesus Christ will cure my cancer.
Of course she's right. I've been a person of deep faith my whole life. It was my spiritual strength. Others have told me for years how "inspired" they've been by my "great faith." I've always remarked that where others were strong in love or joy I was always strong in faith. It was my thing. It was my living room.
So now, where is my faith? I mean I heard the voice right? So why all the doubt? Why all the fear and worry? Why the constant thoughts of fear and doubt and despair? This used to be my specialty.
In a way I suddenly sympathize with the guy in that poem "Footprints in the Sand." Where the heck are You? Now I'm living not day to day or hour to hour, but minute to minute. I don't know if I can make plans for next year, next month or next week. And there's that dread feeling. It's no joy ride thinking that something inside you is growing and slowly killing you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Google has become a terrible fuel source for this fear. I do searches and all I get is my fears confirmed. When I was diagnosed with ER+ cancer everyone told me that was a good thing because it responds really well to the AC chemo. Everyone lied apparently, because EVERYONE on Google says the exact opposite. . . So research and science bring me NO consolation. Well meaning survivors and friends and family can't console me. I would say there IS no consolation, but intellectually I know better. "Lord to whom else shall we go?"
