That's what my OB said. Six months ago she called me with the results of my breast biopsy and said I had to come to her office right away. "I have some news for you and it's not wonderful."
That's why when I heard my husband say the same words to me over the phone about a week ago my heart dropped through the floor. "It's not wonderful." Really? Seriously? You're kidding right? Dear God no - not cancer, not again. We're not even done with it yet. I still have 6 weeks of radiation to get through. It can't be cancer. It doesn't happen like this - twice in one year! Maybe it's just a coincidence Maybe "It's not wonderful" doesn't mean cancer. It really just means "it's not wonderful" instead of "life the way you've known it is over. . . again."
My husband has cancer.
He tells me I'm supposed to see the bright side of all of this. It's bladder cancer. Highly curable, easily treatable blah blah blah. They told me all that when I got breast cancer. . . six months ago. Besides, I don't know why I am supposed to FIND the bright side to cancer. I don't want my husband to have cancer. I don't want him to go through this - I don't want anyone to go through this. . . I don't want to lose my husband. I waited thirty five years to find him for crying out loud and now I get two years with him and we've both got cancer? What's up with this?
We went away for the weekend to the mountains. Said screw the money and got a nice hotel and enjoyed ourselves for three days. Saw some really beautiful stuff. It was very strange though. In the back of my mind I knew the whole time we were just avoiding reality and we had to get back home. Home to cancer. More doctors, more invasive procedures, more surgeries and chemo treatments. More sick, sick, sick now both of us at the same time. More babysitters. More asking for help. Help help help. . .
He says "Mine won't be nearly as bad as yours was." But we all thought mine wouldn't be so bad remember? Remember at the start of all this when I put together an exercise calendar with all my friends to help me stay healthy during chemo? Ha ha ha ha! . . .More dread. More fear. More worry. The Bible says we're not supposed to fear or worry - but give me a break here.. .how am I not supposed to worry? Everyone says leave everything in God's hands. Well you know what I DID! And now we both have cancer. . .
And where is all this going? I mean - when you get hit with cancer twice in one year is Heaven sending you a message to get your affairs in order??
Beautiful baby girl. Will her parents live to see her first Communion? Will either of us be around when she needs us? What the heck is going on? I keep trying to focus on starving people in third-world countries. Compared to them I've lived a life of luxury and ease. What'a little cancer compared to living in slums and not having any food to give your babies??. . . Everybody has to pay the price for sin somehow right?
But then I am terribly jealous of my friends who are stressing about stupid mundane things. A teenager having a difficult time adjusting in high school. . . an adolescent acting up. . .too many committments and not enough time. . . car problems. . . annoying people. Boy I wish someone would annoy me. I'll take it! You can have cancer!! Trade you any day. Just let my husband be okay. Let my husband be okay. . .
