It's okay to hope again

In the movie Sharshank Redemption, Morgan's Freeman's character says that hope is a "dirty word."  For the last three months I've finally understood that line.  I've been so torn in my personal faith because I've thought "if it's God's Will that I die- why should I hope for life?  Isn't that a contradiction of faith?"  My whole life I've said "Thy Will be done" and now suddenly I'm supposed to say "unless it means me dying and leaving my husband and daughter without a mommy?"  I've really been torn over this.  I don't think I've uttered a sincere "Thy will be done" for three months now. . . .

So I've been intensely struggling with what "Hope" really is.  Is it the patient and joyful waiting for what you want?  Or is it the patient and joyful waiting for His Will?  If it's the former, no problem, I'm all over it.  But if it's the latter, and real holiness is hoping for whatever He wants for you. . . how do you joyfully wait for what you don't know?  My husband points out that I'm supposed to assume that, because God loves me,  no matter what, it will be for the best.  And deep, deep in my heart I guess I can say I believe that.  I can visualize us all standing around in Heaven someday, eternally blissful, and saying "Oh yeah I get it now" to everything that didn't make sense to our earthly eyes.  But from where I'm standing now, there are some outcomes to this situation that I simply don't want to believe are for the best, and the numero uno is the outcome where I end up out of my daughter's life.  I don't want to trust God, that she will be better off without me.  And I certainly am not hoping for it. . .

In any case this morning He let me off the hook.  After three months of seeming silence, I finally heard His voice in my heart.  It was like feeling sweet gentle rain after months of drought.  Sceptics will question what I'm about to write as a bunch of hogwash, and they are welcome too.  But  I don't.  I just know.  I don't believe - I know.  It was His voice.  That familiar voice that comes with automatic caller ID.  One doesn't have to ask who's talking.  Every cell in one's being recognises the sound of the voice that called them into existence. 

"I'm going to cure you of this, and you will live to be the mother I've created you to be."

 I've heard the voice several times in my life - sometimes more clearly than others.  One time I heard it so loud and clear that my bones literally shook with it.  But I think I know now, that was because He was dispelling the evil thing that was following me.   However these months, I've been so waiting and hoping to hear with confidence His voice - part of my spiritual battle is that I've heard nothing and figured He wasn't participating in all of this somehow.  Or that He didn't say anything because He had no good news to share with me.  Or worse, that He wanted me to be a Saint.  I'd say I felt abandonned, but I know that's ridiculous.  I felt afraid to hope.  I felt like Morgan's Freeman's character.  Hope was a dirty word.

But now I know His will is for me to live.  Now I know that He has more plans and dreams for me.  Now I just have to endure whatever suffering is part of all this treatment, and get through it all.  But at least now I know and believe there is a "through it all."  I mean, It's okay to hope again, and I don't have to be a Saint to do it.  that's what I mean when I say "He let me off th hook."