So Factor Three is just a fancy shmancy name for something I've come up with on my own. Something I discovered, and frankly never factored in. It's the unexpected factor in all of this. The big surprise.
No, I don't have a deep feeling of closeness to God as I always have.
No, I don't have a blind and joyful faith that I have always had.
No, I'm still not sure I believe prayer makes any difference anymore.
But I suddenly do have other people. I'm not sure how to describe this, but it's like, when all those other people I've prayed for all my life were sick, it was like they needed MY faith to uphold them. And now I am sick, in trouble and weakened spiritually, and suddenly I'm being uphelp by all of their faiths.
They are praying for me and offering Masses and sufferings for me. I have fourty choir children offering up sacrifices for me. One mother came up to me and told me of how her four year old daughter Gianna fell and scraped her knee. When mommy asked if she was okay, the girl replied "It's okay mommy, I offered it up for Mrs. N." Gianna is upholding me somehow.
When I told Pam I was afraid the chemo wasn't working, she said "Who cares about the chemo?! Jesus Christ will heal you!" Pam's faith is stronger than mine right now. Pam is upholding me somehow.
I'm not sure I can effectively explain all of this - I think it is another one of those mysteries of faith that we'll never quite understand or at least not until Heaven. But I know it is true. I am weak now, but those who love me are strong and are rallying for me, for my life and for my soul. I don't feel close to God, but I feel this so deeply, so confidently that it touches my heart very much and it almost replaces the comfort of faith. I am upheld by the community of God. Even in faith we are not alone.
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